Article:
When Friendships Fade.
A midlife challenge: rejuvenate friendships... or say goodbye
"A good friendship," according to an old Turkish proverb, "only improves with age."
But what if your pinot noir is starting to taste more like vinegar?
At midlife, many people experience three things with respect to friends:
- We don’t seem to have as many as we used to
- It feels harder to make new ones than when we were younger
- We question whether we want to continue putting time and energy into some of our long-time friendships
It stands to reason that after twenty, thirty, even forty years, friendships can feel stale or past their “best-by date.” As time goes on, we may change in ways that are not always in synch with the ways our friends are changing.
This is most evident when friends’ family situations differ: the friend who remains single drifting away from the friend who’s married and has children. Or the friend whose kids have grown up now exploring new interests that the friend who still has younger children at home simply has no time for.
But even when the differences are not obvious on the surface, there can be subtle but vital changes going on. What mattered to us when we were younger may no longer seem so important as our values shift in midlife. Yet we often hold on to who we used to be, whether out of unexamined habit, resistance to change, or some sense of obligation.
Ask yourself: do I have one or more longtime friends who I don’t really enjoy being with anymore, and yet I keep seeing them?
If the answer is yes, consider whether this is what you really want. In all likelihood, you either want to find a way to improve the relationship — to bring back the pleasure and closeness that used to exist — or you’d like to end it, if you could just figure out how.
Either way, the first step is to make that honest assessment: what do I truly want in this situation? Then ask: what would it take to achieve it?
If you want to revitalize the friendship, maybe it’s time to suggest new activities you do together to shift the relationship out of its rut.
Sometimes what’s called for is that frank conversation you’ve been putting off for ages — stepping up to say truthfully what’s working and not working for you. Chances are there may be unresolved issues or unexpressed resentments that will continue to erode the relationship unless they are addressed. (If so, you might want to consult the terrific book Fierce Conversations by Susan Scott.)
It’s helpful to watch our assumptions. “There’s no use saying anything because she’ll never change.” “Doing something new just won’t work.” Really? How will you know if you don’t try?
If you’re maintaining the old friendship despite your lack of enthusiasm, consider what the consequences might be. Is this relationship consuming time, energy and maybe money that you’d rather devote to other friendships, or to fostering new ones?
Consider, too, your motivation for hanging on even when you don’t want to? Sometimes it’s because the friend symbolizes something we value: “She’s the only friend I stay in touch with from high school.” “He was there for me when I had my surgery.” “She’s the only one who’s seen that side of my personality.” Such reasons can be important enough to us that we choose to continue the relationship because of them. Just acknowledging the symbolic value can help us feel more positive about what we’re doing.
Whether to rebuild the friendship or say goodbye is a decision that often takes much soul-searching. Uncomfortable as it may feel, it's a valuable process because it challenges us to take stock of who we are now compared to who we used to be, and what we truly value and desire as we move forward in our lives.
In this way, it helps us to renew ourselves and grow through midlife.
