Article:
Knowing What You Want at Midlife
At some point in midlife it’s likely to hit you: the sense that you want to make some significant changes in your life, but you just don’t know what they are. Whether you’re feeling stuck, bored, unfulfilled or oddly adrift, you’re ready for a new direction. But which direction to head in?
This uncertainty can be unsettling. For people who’ve spent many years in their twenties, thirties, and early forties on a clear path — advancing in their careers, raising the kids, paying off the mortgage — not having a map for the next stage of life can make them feel tremendously vulnerable.
When people first arrive for coaching at The Centre for Midlife Renewal, they often begin by saying something like, “I’m wondering if I should leave my marriage” or “maybe I need a new career.” Then they quickly go into the pros and cons of a variety of possible scenarios, most of which seem to spiral into even greater uncertainty and anxiety.
The problem is that they’re rushing into trying to “figure out” all the specific details of major life changes without first delving more deeply into what’s really going on. This is natural: in our culture, we’re trained that when something’s not working, someone should fix it — and fast. But at midlife, often one of the kindest — and most productive — things we can do for ourselves is to allow ourselves the time to pause and reflect.
This is a time to go deeper and look at how we’re living from our values… or not. By values, we don’t necessarily mean “moral” values, but simply, what is truly important to you. Maybe you want to feel more creative or more connected to other people or more respected for who you are. Creativity… connection… respect: these are values.
Once we are clear what values or qualities are important to us, we can take a look at how we are already living them, and brainstorm many other ways we might make them part of our life. For instance, one client at the Centre identified that “warmth” was very important to her. She recognized that she put a lot of effort into decorating her home so that it would feel warm to her and her family. But at work, she spent much of her time at a computer doing work that felt “cold” to her. Seeing this, she chose to find a different job that would involve more time working directly with people. She also realized that she literally needed more warmth — she made it a new priority to travel south each winter.
How can you identify your key values? One way is to work with a list. At the end of this article, you will find a list of 126 values. These are by no means exhaustive — you may think of others not included here. You might spend some time choosing the ten that you believe are most important to you at this stage of your life. Maybe some of them will clearly be higher priority than others — that’s useful to know. Make a list of all the ways that each value is currently showing up in your life. Then brainstorm other ways you could live it more fully.
If you are more visual than word oriented, you might like to work with images. Get yourself a stack of magazines and flip through them, cutting out any pictures that particularly appeal to you. When you have a variety of images, lay them where you can see them all. Notice if there are any common elements or themes to them—by grouping some of the images, you may find that important qualities or values are coming through.
So you know you want to make some changes in your life but you don’t know what they are? Start by getting to know your key values more clearly. The meaningful changes you want to make will emerge naturally from there.
What's Important to Me -- 126 Values to Choose From
Accomplishment
Accuracy
Achievement
Adventure
Aesthetics/Beauty
Affection
Altruism
Autonomy
Caring
Challenge
Clarity
Collaboration
Commitment
Community
Competition
Completion
Connecting/Bonding
Contributing to the world
Creativity
Doing Good
Doing the Right Thing
Do Things My Way
Elegance
Emotional Health
Empowerment
Enlightenment
Entrepreneurship
Environment
Equality
Equity
Esteem (of others)
Excellence
Excitement
Fairness
Fame
Family Happiness
Feel Good
Financial Security
Fixing Broken Things or Systems
Flexibility
Forward the Action
Frankness
Freedom
Friendship
Fulfillment
Fun/Laughter
Getting Ahead
Give of Myself
Happiness
Hard Work
Harmony of Talk & Action
Health
Helping others
Honesty
Humour
Inclusivity
Independence
Inner Harmony
Innovation
Integrity
Interesting Experiences
Intimacy
Inventing
Joy
Justice
Keeping Things the Same
Leadership
Learning
Leisure Time
Look Good
Love
Loyalty
Making Money
Marriage
Mastery/Excellence
Nature
Nurturing
Openness
Opportunity
Order
Orderliness
Partnership
Peace
Perseverance
Personal Growth
Play/Playfulness
Pleasure
Power
Precision
Privacy/Solitude
Quality
Reach for the Stars
Recognition
Reliability
Respect
Revolution
Risk Taking/Daring
Romance/Magic
Safety
Saving/Investing
Security
Seek Truth
Self-control
Self-esteem
Self-expression
Self-reliance
Self-respect
Sensuality
Service/Contribution
Setting an Example
Simplicity
Socializing
Social Advancement
Solving Problems
Spiritual Development
Spirituality
Spontaneity/Improvisation
Strength
Succeeding
Synergy
Team Spirit
Time for Myself
Trust
Truth
Uniqueness
Using My Talents
Variety
Vitality/Aliveness
Warmth
Wealth
Winning
Wisdom
